Letters Never Sent
by reynard
Summary: Locked away in Azkaban, there isn't much to do for Sirius but regret. Knowing he's unable to send them, he writes letters, most of them addressed to Remus.  Warnings: Alludes to an established relationship between the two. Also, made me cry and I'm tough.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Naturally none of the mentioned characters, nor the ideas behind them belong to me, but J.K. Rowling. If anyone else has done the same thing, however, I haven't read it and thus I'm not stealing it from them.

**Note:** What happened is that I thought about how Sirius must have felt in Azkaban and then I just started writing the letters. Their will be mentions of an established relationship between Sirius and Remus, as well as canonical character death and angst, aka: James and Lily died.

* * *

><p>Dear Moony,<p>

It's odd what things you remember when you only really have yourself for company, since it turns out Dementors don't make good drinking mates. What I remembered is the time you talked about the inhumanity of our court and justice system. And I also remember not giving a shit because, sod it, dark wizards don't deserve any better.

So. Very belatedly telling you, I'm starting to see your point.

I don't really see many of the other people here, but the worst are the ones that don't know the truth. They smile. They approve.

I think it's even worse than the way the people I actually care about looked at me.

And I just want to yell that it wasn't me, that I didn't kill them! Only, it was me. It's my fault they're dead. I don't deserve any better. I just wish Wormtail were here, too.

- Pa… Sirius


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Moony,

I wonder whether you're still alive. I hope you are. I asked the last person visiting me - some ministry bloke who went through the VIPs (Very Important Prisoners. I came up with that. Witty, I know.). But apparently when you're held accountable for the death of three of your best friends, you don't get an update on the fourth. Only a very disgusted look. Might also have been the state of my hair, though. I'm disgusted, too.

But I think you're alive. I wonder whether you're trying to visit. I mean, I don't reckon it's too easy, right? And it's not as if you're about to get a high-ranking ministry position. Do they still take blood tests? Maybe they'd not let any werewolf visit, anyway. Never looked up visitor regulations for Azkaban.

I reckon you could send a message, though. I mean, there are people that visit. Nice people, even. Not nice to me, but who would be. Do you really believe...

I just want to see you to apologize. I didn't believe you were a traitor, not the way Peter was. I thought maybe they had something on you. There were so many things you didn't tell me about your missions. You hated what you had to do, I knew that, I saw that. I knew you'd never have betrayed James and Lily, that you'd rather have died. I didn't want you to die, even if you had been a traitor.

I lo

I mi

I hope you can be a little happy. I didn't mean to ruin our life.

- Sirius


	3. Chapter 3

Wormtail,

I hope Voldemort makes you his sexslave.

- Sirius


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Moony,

How's Harry doing? I'd ask when I get visited, but I really can't take too much judging at one point. Turns out I'm a worse godfather than everyone feared, between never sending him anything for Christmas or his birthday and getting his parents killed.

Does he know who I am? Does he know who we all used to be?

I've made sure he'd be alright, y'know. I didn't go after Peter until I had given him to Hagrid. Hagrid's a good bloke. Gave him my motorcycle, too. Wonder how she's doing.

Anyway. I hope you spoil Harry to death for me. Not with money, obviously, but, y'know. Love. I imagine he lives with you sometimes. And then I think about who else you might live with and I get jealous. As if I have any right.

I don't remember what your smile looks like anymore. What else are they going to take from me? I lo

Sorry.

- Sirius


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Moony,

I've dreams. Every time I sleep. And they're never nice dreams. Even when I dream of something good, I wake up crying and it never feels good. I've tried, I've really tried. I hope you don't mind, but I've thought of you, I've thought of us, I've thought of your body and your touch and your mouth, damn, your lips...

It's not enough. Not enough against all the Dementors here. I can remember that there has been desire, passion, everyone always said I'm full of passion. Well. Not anymore.

Just as well. I look terrible now, no one would have me anyway.

- Sirius


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Moony,

Sometimes my throat is sore and I realize I've been screaming. I don't want to go mad. I'm the only one who knows the truth. Me and Wormtail. I hope that stinking rat is suffering worse than I am.

Although here is nothing worse than being locked up. Nothing.

I'll tell you a secret. I always thought I'd die young. It's what my mother said would happen.

I'll tell you another secret. I wish I was dead.

- Sirius


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Moony,

You know what keeps me alive? It's not that I know I'm innocent and that one day everyone will know. It's not that I want to tell Harry how sorry I am and how proud his parents would be of him, no matter what. It's not even that I want to see you again, love you again, be with you again.

I just want to catch that dirty rat and make him pay. That's the kind of person I am.

I deserve to be locked up here. I belong.

- Sirius


	8. Chapter 8

Regulus,

it's good you're not here, you'd not make it.

Though you deserve to be here, I suppose. It's a lot easier to say someone deserves that when you are on the outside. I know I wanted all dark wizards locked up here, like a family reunion.

It's a different thing now that I've been here. Hard to wish even upon the worst of people. Not that I don't, I'm not a good enough person not to.

Never did wish it on you. For what it's worth. I don't know what all you have done for your bloody Lord by now, but I still wouldn't want you here. You couldn't make it.

- Sirius


	9. Chapter 9

Regulus,

When you marry a cousin and you get your inbred squib two-headed son, do me a favor and call him 'Venus'?

Love,  
>Sirius<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

Regulus,

The ones that break first are the ones that regret the most. I can hear them scream whenever a Dementor passes. Worse is when the screaming stops.

I know you were an idiot, believing the pureblood bullshit, following it like a good son. You probably went along with the torturing and killing, feeling so bloody proud and strong.

But you weren't not. You were weak and I know you'd have regretted. If you had been here, you'd have screamed until your voice gave out.

What keeps me sane in here is my hatred, anger, wanting revenge. Wonder what kept you sane out there. I know it'd not have helped in here, where you couldn't hide from yourself.

- Sirius


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Moony,

I'm not completely insane. Shocking confession, I know, but it's true. I wish I were. I wish I could lose it completely. Sometimes I get close. Sometimes I start laughing until my eyes hurt from crying.

But then there's reality again, there's the truth. There's Wormtail still out there.

I think if I had killed him and still ended up here, I'd be free by now. Not out of prison. Just out of my mind.

Out of misery.

- Sirius


End file.
